Saturday, November 13, 2010
The Levels of Halloween Candy Eating
There are different steps to eating Halloween candy (or swiping it from your kids when they're not looking).
Step 1: OMG! Reeces/Twix/Snickers
Yay chocolate! This stuff rocks! Nom nom nom. Taffy? Starburst? Pixie Stix? Milk Duds? Oh hell no! Throw those suckers out. I've got chocolate.
Step 2: Those are gone. On to the Milkyway and 3 Musketeers.
Not as good as the stuff I already scarfed down, but yay, more chocolate! Nom nom nom. There are still Pixie Stix and Taffy in here? What cheap bastard thought these were a good idea? Moron!
Step 3: Dude, where's my chocolate? (Search through bag/bags hoping to find another Reeces, but with no luck. Settle for whatever's there). Well, Milk Duds are technically chocolate. Nom nom nom.
Step 4: Find Reeces you hid from the kids, but forgot about.
My life ROCKS! Yes! Chocolate. Nom. (only 1 nom since there was only one Reeces)
Step 5: Surely there must be some more Milk Duds in here?
Find 3 more packs of Milk Duds. All is right with the world.
Step 6: Oh hell! No more chocolate!
Reach for the Tootsie rolls. Further down on the "Technically chocolate" scale than Milk Duds, but they ARE on the scale. Pop a few of those.
Step 7: Starbursts aren't so bad.
Open them all and eat only the Strawberry.
Step 8: Other Starbursts aren't so bad and I guess Taffy is okay.
Eat the lemon Starburst and any tropical ones you find. OpenTaffy, but not the Banana.
Step 9: Find one last remaining pack of Milk Duds
OMG! There IS a higher power. Yay. Chocolate! Nom nom nom.
Step 10: Screw it. Nom nom nom
Eat pretty much whatever's left. Tootsie rolls go down first, followed by Starbursts (be sure to compare because the Mango looks a lot like the orange, but is higher on the "Yum scale," so must be eaten first), then Bubble Gum and finally Taffy.
I suppose Pixie Stix and Banana Taffy are technically edible.
If you make it to Step 11, call for help.
I should probably add a Step 9B: Screw this. I'm buying my own chocolate. Buy a bag of whatever Halloween chocolate is still in stock and on sale for 75% off. Do not proceed to step 10 until entire bag is gone.