Saturday, November 13, 2010

The Levels of Halloween Candy Eating

Halloween Candy

There are different steps to eating Halloween candy (or swiping it from your kids when they're not looking).

Step 1:  OMG!  Reeces/Twix/Snickers
   Yay chocolate!  This stuff rocks!  Nom nom nom.   Taffy?  Starburst?  Pixie Stix?  Milk Duds?  Oh hell no!  Throw those suckers out.  I've got chocolate.

Step 2:  Those are gone.  On to the Milkyway and 3 Musketeers.
  Not as good as the stuff I already scarfed down, but yay, more chocolate!  Nom nom nom.  There are still Pixie Stix and Taffy in here?  What cheap bastard thought these were a good idea? Moron!

Step 3:  Dude, where's my chocolate?  (Search through bag/bags hoping to find another Reeces, but with no luck.  Settle for whatever's there).  Well, Milk Duds are technically chocolate.  Nom nom nom.

Step 4: Find Reeces you hid from the kids, but forgot about.
   My life ROCKS!  Yes!  Chocolate.  Nom.  (only 1 nom since there was only one Reeces)

Step 5:  Surely there must be some more Milk Duds in here?
   Find 3 more packs of Milk Duds.  All is right with the world.

Step 6:  Oh hell!  No more chocolate!
   Reach for the Tootsie rolls.  Further down on the "Technically chocolate" scale than Milk Duds, but they ARE on the scale.  Pop a few of those.

Step 7:  Starbursts aren't so bad.
    Open them all and eat only the Strawberry.

Step 8:  Other Starbursts aren't so bad and I guess Taffy is okay.
    Eat the lemon Starburst and any tropical ones you find.  OpenTaffy, but not the Banana.

Step 9: Find one last remaining pack of Milk Duds
  OMG!  There IS a higher power.  Yay.  Chocolate!  Nom nom nom.

Step 10:  Screw it.  Nom nom nom
     Eat pretty much whatever's left.  Tootsie rolls go down first, followed by Starbursts (be sure to compare because the Mango looks a lot like the orange, but is higher on the "Yum scale," so must be eaten first), then Bubble Gum and finally Taffy.

Step 11:
    I suppose Pixie Stix and Banana Taffy are technically edible.

    If you make it to Step 11, call for help.

I should probably add a Step 9B:  Screw this.  I'm buying my own chocolate.  Buy a bag of whatever Halloween chocolate is still in stock and on sale for 75% off.  Do not proceed to step 10 until entire bag is gone.


  1. I suppose I'm strange when it comes to the stages. I prefer to go for anything with a gummy consistency. Oh, and I happen to really like pixie stix.

  2. Really? You want our Pixie stix? I can't, for the life of me, figure out what to do with them.

  3. That is hilarious! We totally do the same thing in our house! My husband and I manage to nibble on all the kids' Chocolate, and then all the other gummy, sticky, SOUR stuff is totally for them! : )

  4. you can use pixie stix to make sand art...get a bottle, and layer the colored sugar in cool designs...


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