I have insomnia. I've had it for over 20 years. For me, that means it takes me a while to fall asleep and I wake frequently in the night.
The past few nights have been HORRIBLE. I'm getting hardly any sleep.
This weekend, though, I came to a realization. I'm so freaking exhausted that my insomnia isn't even the problem. It might take me a while to fall asleep, but, once down, I would stay that way if not for EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS FREAKING HOUSE.
The other day, my big girls spent the night at a friend's, so I crashed early with the two youngest. You might think, "Oh, early to bed and only 1/2 the kids in the house, that's a recipe for a great night's sleep." You, however, would be so very very wrong.
Here's how my night went:
- 7:30 pm: Start to doze off while reading to the kids.
- 8 pm: Kids in bed
- 8:01-8:30 pm: Do all the end of the night hustle and bustle (put up the dog, lock the doors, etc.).
- 8:35-9:45: Toss and turn and not fall asleep even though I was falling asleep on the couch just an hour before.
- 9:50: Fall asleep.
- 11: Wake up for no known reason.
- 11:20 (or so) Fall back to sleep.
- 12: Baby's awake and screaming. Go get her.
- 12:45 Put baby back to bed.
- 1:30 Finally fall back to sleep.
- 3 am: Cat pounds at the door to get out.
- 3:00-3:02 Try to see through the dark if it's a smart cat who can actually get the door open or the stupid cat who will just pound on it for an hour without ever getting out. Determine it's the smart cat and wait for her to work her magic.
- 3:03: Cat gets out. Get up and close the bedroom door after her.
- 3:10: Start to drift off to sleep when stupid cat then decides she wants out too. After she bangs on the door, get up and let her out. Leave door open.
- 3:15 Smart cat returns and loudly opens the bedroom closet.
- 3:16 Yell at the cat and put a box in front of the closet door.
- 3:17 Cat then scratches loudly at box.
- 3:18 Throw a sock at cat.
- 3:18.32: Cat loudly jumps on box and attacks.
- 3:19: Curse at cat while putting shoes on top of the box to hold it closed.
- 3:20-3:30: Cat tries to knock shoes off box making insane amounts of noise.
- 3:31: Toss cat in hallway and close door.
- 3:40 (just as drifting off to sleep) dumb cat returns and wants in. She is, not, however smart enough to actually GET IN, so she scratches at the closed door.
- 3:41: Let the damn cat in.
- 4:02 am (just as drifting off to sleep yet again), baby wakes up.
- 4:03-4:04: Hope baby will go back to sleep, until you hear her yell, "Potty! Potty!"
- 4:05-4:10: Take baby to the bathroom, throw together another diaper and put her pajamas back on.
- 4:11: Pray baby goes back to sleep easily.
- 4:12: Decide there's no G-d
- 4:13-4:50: Bring the baby to your bed and nurse her.
- 4:51: Baby is up for the day and you don't have any big kids to help with her.
- 5am-11pm: Be a general bitch out of sheer exhaustion
Yes, that is EXACTLY how my night went. I thought to myself, "My insomnia isn't my problem. The kids and cats are my problem. I don't need Ambien. I need a sound-proof padded room."